School Is In Session!
by dave-d
Summary: Naruto needed to teach someone a lesson. Two girls. An embarrassment of romantic riches. But, enough is enough. [short oneshot]


The breeze blew strong in his face as he walked.

Swing a large heavy pail, Naruto didn't mind. He smiled, taking in the scent of the cooking fires lit in the restaurants upwind.

"They'll be waiting by the corner up ahead." He said to himself. "Both of them."

Once upon a time, he had looked upon Shikamaru with great envy. The other boy had made chuunin long before he was able, and at one time had two attractive girls chasing after him. But, against all logic, his genius friend seemed irritated by it all. It hadn't made any sense to him… until now.

Things in his own life had changed drastically over the past year. Repeated encounters with Akatsuki and their allies. The return of Sasuke. Jiraiya's sabbatical. Kakashi's disappearence, after the battle with the Nine's mysterious leader.

"The more things change…" Naruto hummed happily to himself. He knew the usual phrase ended with '… the more they stay the same.' That wasn't true for him, though. "The more they change…"

But, dark times had a habit of growing brighter, just as happy times often get tested by tragic events. Kakashi had turned up, after being nursed back to health by a farm family. Sasuke's inside knowledge had led to a resounding defeat of Orochimaru, Kabuto, and the Sound at recent battle. The Frog Hermit may actually have stumbled upon a woman capable of making him want to settle down.

One of the biggest changes in his life had to be his relationship with the opposite sex. In a wonderful turn of events, he was now one of the big men on campus, while Sasuke struggled to overcome the doubt and anger that he had brought upon himself. Two girls had shown the most interest in him. One came as no surprise: Sakura. She had started treating him better back when he returned from training with Ero-Sennin. The other girl caught him off guard, even though the signs had been there all along: Hinata. Something had finally caused her to blurt out her feeling for him one day.

"I wonder what it will be today," Naruto muttered. The one sure thing was that there would be something. There was _always _something. A romantic tug of war between the girls, trying to get his exclusive attention. Some great heartfelt pledge. An invitation for a home-cooked meal. Tickets to the hottest movie in town. Begging… pleading… cajoling… shouting… crying… hugging… kissing… yanking on his arm… _everything!_

The while 'Love' business was almost as ironic as the change of fortunes between Sasuke and himself. As an Academy student and early genin, he couldn't get a smile out of Sakura. It was always 'Sasuke-kun' this and 'Sasuke-kun' that. He would never forget the things that Sakura had said during Teamn Seven's first meeting with the Copy Ninja. Now, even though she was older and more mature, she seemed to be even obsessed with him than she had been with Sasuke. It was nice after its own fashion, even though he couldn't even begin to understand it. But, too much of a good thing…

Hinata was just as bad in her own way. He had no doubt whatsoever that he was the center of her universe. While she was not as loud or talkative as Sakura, she was even more clingy, if that was possible. And, she was the one who was better at showing her feelings in a physical fashion. That still left his head spinning at times. It just didn't make any sense. Then again, girls in general didn't make sense. Logically, he should enjoy all of the attention he was getting. But, he had begun feeling caged in and penned up…

"I don't even know who I like better," Naruto said. He truly had no idea. He felt happy whenever he was alone with either girl. He never got the same feelings from the other kunoichi, when one of them convinced him to go out on a date. Maybe he just didn't want to make a decision. Both were his friends. Choosing one would hurt the other. "I don't know what might happen if things got more serious." If only he were a character in manga or anime. Someone could make the choice _for_ him.

In any case, the two of them had been smothering him lately, even though he had actually come out and made his feelings clear. He was a guy. He wanted to do things with his friends. He could not spend every waking hour with one girl or the other. Yada yada yada. Etc. Etc. Etc. Neither of them seemed to hear him. They were very good at selective listening. But, today, he had a way to get his point across in memorable fashion.

A number of cats followed after him, turning and fleeing every time he stopped and looked back. They must smell what's in the bucket. He switched his load to another hand, laughing when he pictured one arm stretching out longer than the other. He wasn't a big fan of the things he had purchased; but, they _would_ make an ideal prop.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me. Not this ploy again." Naruto let out a long sigh. The girls were indeed waiting at the intersection ahead. Sakura was leaning up against a lamp post on one side of the main thoroughfare. Hinata was standing under a young shade tree on the other side. He could imagine what they were thinking. He would approach one or the other first. That girl would have the lead in the game of love. He smiled. It wasn't all bad. They were determined, and not about to give up. As always, he admired that trait.

Now, he started looking for signs of his accomplice. It had been a bold move on his part, asking that person for help. He was shocked in a good way, when she accepted. He chuckled, feeling his anticipation grow in leaps and bounds. This would be great. Great… spectacular… memorable… _perfect!_

There. He caught sight of her. After waiting for him to get embroiled in another one of the Sakura-Naruto-Hinata arguments, she would walk up and provide the punch line. Sweet!

"Here we go…" Naruto walked to a precise point on the street, the one he calculated to be an equal distance between Hinata and Sakura. Stopping there, he looked over at each girl. Hinata was carrying her favorite picnic basket. Her lunches were legendary, as far as he was concerned. Sakura was balancing a stack of bento boxes. She was no slouch by any means. "Let's see who breaks, first." He smiled. Both girls stood waiting, as if they would be damned if they were to show the other girl who was the more desperate of the two. No doubt they each wanted Naruto to be the one who made the first move. It was probably a girl thing.

Naruto stood glued to that spot, even though angry wagon drivers shouted obscenities at him as they were forced to pilot their carts around him and up on to the sidewalks for a short distance. It was time for his first lesson. He looked at Hinata. Then, he looked at Sakura. Sighing, he began walking again, without saying a word. He stayed in the middle of the street.

"**Naruto-kun!"** Hinata called out first, but it had been Sakura who took the first steps in his direction.

"**Naruto!"** Seeing that Hinata had started to walk too, Sakura began jogging. **"Wait up!"**

"We could picnic again…" Hinata had started running, seeing Sakura's ante and raising her one.

"A romantic lunch alone…" Sakura was moving too fast to follow, bouncing off of roof tops and the sides of buildings.

"It's _my_ turn today…" Hinata was equally quick, but better able to avoid water dumped from balconies thanks to her Byakugan.

"It will be my turn _every_ day…" A bit wet after passing through one dumping, Sakura came back down to the street, using her enormous strength to actually push slow-moving oxen out of her way. She reached Naruto's left side, just as Hinata slid to a stop on his left.

Both girls started talking at once. Each of them grabbed hold of an arm. Before Naruto knew it, he felt as if he had been dropped into a taffy pulling machine.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have time for this today." Naruto shook both girls off. "It's the same old same old. Even after I told you each how I felt." He shook his head. "I think it's time for a change." That had both girls going stiff, looking as if they had seen a ghost. When they opened their mouths to speak, he raised his hand and shushed them. "I guess I just require a more mature woman. Someone who will give me as much space as I need." He held the bucket up and gestured with it, a come-hither kind of signal.

Both girls turned to look in that direction. Hinata squeaked. Sakura gasped. Neither could believe what they saw. No… _who _they saw. Almost as if they shared a single mind, they brought hand up to their eyes and began rubbing, as if they could make the image go away. It had to be a mirage, _didn't_ it?

"Sorry I'm late." Tsunade walked over and joined Naruto. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting." She smiled, acting as if the other women weren't even there. "I also hope you brought an appetite." She fluffed her hair, causing her chest to heave this way and that. She was wearing a rather revealing blouse, for someone who served as Hokage.

"I sure did," Naruto said, giving her a thumbs up sign. "I kind of feel hungry for food, too." The wink he gave the buxom woman had Hinata's and Sakura's jaws dropping.

"_Shhhh-hhh-hh-h_…" Tsunade put a finger over her lips, and then looked around as if she was worried about being overheard. "Not here…"

"I brought the oysters," Naruto said, setting the bucket down with a metallic clink. "I hope this will be enough."

"Oysters?" Hinata spoke at the same time Sakura did.

"_Hmmm-mm-m_… hello, girls…" The Hokage acted as if she had only just noted that her apprentice and her rival were there. "Oysters make a wonderful aphrodisiac." She was happy to play along with this little farce. At the very least, it ought to bring Sakura back down to earth. She had been acting very distracted at the hospital, lately.

Naruto picked up his bucket and hooked his arm around Tsunade's. After that, the two of them disappeared in through the front door of the nearest hotel.

Hinata and Sakura sat down hard in the middle of the street.

**END**


End file.
